06 October 2008

Postal Proselytization

I don't know what church or group it's coming from, but for some time now my apartment has been subject to some very entertaining postal proselytization. (Yes, I know I made proselytization up.)

I guess very entertaining isn't the best way to describe its entertainment value. It's about as entertaining as Saturday afternoon TV.

The mailers actually contain some pretty wordy epistles. I've never taken the time to read them, but I'm sure if I was tired enough I'd chuckle at the message. I think they're either soliciting money or my soul (or both).

What makes the mail so entertaining are the little gifts that come with each epistle/soul-solicitation. Yesterday, this came in the mail.

The scene at the top of the page contains the following dialogue:

"Will you give a few minutes of your time to get saved?"

O. Foolish Man:
"I can't do it. I'm sorry, Jesus...I'm too busy."

The scene on the bottom of the page goes like this:

O. Foolish Man:
"Oh horrors! Wait! I didn't expect you so soon I'm not ready to die. Give me time to repent and get ready for Eternity."

"I can't do it. I'm too busy. Come on, I've got lots of others to call on tonight."

Naturally, I love the irony between O. Foolish Man's response to Jesus in the first scene and Death's response to O. Foolish Man in the second.

More than that, however, I like how Jesus only asks for a "few minutes of your time to get saved." A few minutes, you say? A quick Google search has defined a few as "being more than one but indefinitely small in number."

O. Foolish Man must be really, really, indefinitely busy, if he can't pull himself away from that computer-generated sales chart for just a few minutes. If only he could see the second scene. Then he'd really regret that choice.

Okay, I've spent far more time looking at and analyzing those dialogues then I thought I would when I originally opened the epistle. And this is nowhere near as entertaining as something else they sent us.

Upon opening an earlier epistle, I found a piece of cloth with a heart in the middle and a few printed sentences off to one side. The cloth read:

Print your name and Jesus' name inside this heart and carry this Prayer Cloth inside your clothing until bed time. Further instructions are in our letter...

I wasn't about to write my name in that heart and carry the cloth around with me all day until bed time. And I wasn't about to find further instructions in their letter. So I improvised a little and this is what I came up with.

I did write Jesus' name in the heart, but instead of my own name, I wrote Cody's. And I knew that carrying the heart around all day was out of the question for both Cody and me, so I sneaked the cloth into Cody's pillow. I figured, he's an accounting student and could use whatever blessings the clandestine cloth had to offer.

After waiting longer than I wanted for him to discover the cloth, I asked him to check his pillow for any foreign objects. He pulled out the cloth, and we both had a great laugh. He then put the cloth back in his pillow, and it's been there 'til tonight.

It must be working for him!

Postal proselytization sure beats credit card offers.


Kimberly said...

Jesus Loves You!

Missy said...

Whever drew those pictures did a great job. They're pretty cool and all detailed and stuff. Neat. It does take only a few minutes everyday to be saved. 1. A few minutes for a heart felt chat with our Heavenly Father. Repeat as needed. 2) A few minutes to take the time to do something nice for someone else. 3) A few minutes to think about what is really important. Ect ect... and so on. Its a lot like your "all nighter." Just a small amount of time here and there from the beginning would've saved you from that one. They may have just wanted your money. The 13th article of faith says it doesn't matter. There was good there, Michael. Don't give them your money though. I love what you did with the heart. That was awesome.

Grandma Hand said...

Oh my gosh, Michael you can save time by sending money to the ON THE AIR PREACHERS. YOU ALSO CAN CALL INTO THE PRAYER LIST ON ONE OF THE PROGRAMS. You know grandpa's favorite preacher is I think he calls himself "Bro. Campe". He has his own Radio Program. I can't stand him but grandpa really gets a kick out listening to him and, of course, they are supported by MONEY and ask for donations regularly and if you send them a donation they will SAVE YOU - WOW -. I AM SO VERY PROUD OF YOU AND HOW YOU HONOR YOUR PRIESTHOOD.

Kimberly said...

Had you known it only took a "few minutes" to be saved, you may not have given two entire years of your life to the Lord...you could have skipped that whole thing! Wow, that is deep!

Robyn said...

Michael...you've just shed light on my life. You mean I could join a church that requires so little time and still be saved? We must belong to the wrong one! Or all I need to do is write my name on a heart and carry it around with me? Man...salvation's a lot easier than I thought! Maybe I can just pay my way to heaven...

Too funny. I'm glad you took the time to read the proselytizations...or whatever your cool made-up word was!

dede said...

You seem to get a lot of random mail...also I can't believe that Cody never found the heart cloth and that you finally gave up and showed him. So good!

dede said...

...and please don't give strange people your money.

Marie said...

I guess Cody would not have made a good princess- although he looks like one in this picture. I mean, she could feel a pea underneath, what was it, nine mattresses, but he couldn't feel a piece of cloth underneath his pillow case? Step it up, Cody, step it up.

Tina said...

you are AWESOME! Thanks for the laugh